Shouyou: Naruto's Worst Pairings
by RestInChaos
Summary: Have you ever wondered what would happen if an Akatsuki member fell in love with Konohamaru or Chouji? Me neither. But it's about time someone did. So I present to you, crap.
1. Chapter One

Er.. Hi.

This is just a drabble, of random thoughts I've had about the, in my opinion, worst Naruto pairings. Characters will _definitely_ be OOC, so get used to it while you can. XD The only reason I put it on actual paper, was because I needed to clear my head for other stories...

I did steal this idea from Hannahmgp somewhat. Really, I just kinda started writing, and realized it was like her idea("Inuyasha's Worst Pairings Possible". Check it out.). So... Yeah. Sorry 'bout that.

I don't own Naruto. And I won't take blame for these horrible pairings.

* * *

**Chapter One:**_  
For the Love of French Fries!  
_

"And that's it, class. Head off to lunch now," Iruka said to his students, seeing as the class was, conveniently, over.

All the little kids scrambled their way through the door, notebooks and lunch bags in their hands. Some had Scooby Doo or Captain Planet on theirs in a rebellious way to bring back the Ninety's, while others moved on to much bolder sayings, such as "Akatsuki Power!" or "BOOB-nade".

Iruka sat down and, uncharacteristically, placed his feet on the table, crossing them over. He opened a drawer in his desk and took out a plastic bag. Dumping the contents into his lap, he tossed the bag away in a manner that would piss off environmentalists everywhere. Grabbing his chocolate milk-in-a-box, he began to slurp loudly, and chuckled at the noise it made, as it reminded him of his childhood.

And of course, as you all should know, it's quite impossible to chuckle and suck at the same time. So it became a mixture of choking, gargling, hiccuping, and some sort of growl that you'd _think_ only a ninja dog could make.

After eventually managing to save his life from the chocolate Milk-In-A-Box, he sat back up and began to eat his meal in an embarrassed silence.

Meanwhile in a dark, mysterious, and for the most part un-described place; Itachi sat there painting his nails. He couldn't see _what_ color he was using, he just knew it was Deidara's nail polish. Which is probably why he paints them purple sometimes, and black the other times.

He was doing a damn good job for painting in the dark, while humming a nice little tune called "Fighting Dreamers". Suddenly he was rudely interrupted when Kisame came in. Of course, by entering the place, light shined in easily. Itachi, frustrated that he had gotten paint on his skin, looked over at his fishy friend.

"We have to attack Konoha now," Kisame said briefly. The others was passing by behind him. Itachi could almost positively make out Deidara mumble something about his hidden stash of nail polish being stolen from his room.

Itachi nodded and asked, "Why do we have to attack Konoha now?"

Kisame shrugged. "Pein said something about Konan's monthly visitor coming by tomorrow, so she wanted to get this out of the way," He answered dully, still not sure what Pein had meant. Itachi's brow twitched, realizing what he meant. He shut his door after leaving, and followed them. Kisame stopped him for a brief moment to ask, "Why are you wearing pink nail polish?" The Uchiha shook his head, and continued walking.

_. . ._

The Akatsuki reached Konoha and began slamming their swords, and other various items they had on their person, at different houses while suppressing their little giggles of joy. And of course, Itachi decided to go to the school to terrorize the children and steal their food.

He got there and did just as he had planned. He grabbed Udon's glasses and held them back at almost impossible lengths, then let go to watch the force of the skin-goggle collision tip him over. He yanked on Moegi's pigtails and tied them around her mouth so she'd stop bragging about being Konoha's sexiest kunoichi. And finally, he tied them all up with Konohamaru's ridiculously long scarf and used it as a lever over a branch so that Konohamaru hung high in the tree, while the others hung just high enough to feel dizzy.

He then decided to enter the school to find somewhere to eat their food. Hell, maybe even the teachers were taking a nap, he's always had a fantasy to draw on their faces with the same red marker they graded with.

Iruka munched on a french fry that he was _sure_ had chicken grease on it, just as the doors slid open in a hurried attempt to see inside. Iruka looked over, and his eyes grew to the size of, well, quarters to be literal... Anyway, his eyes were wide and there stood Itachi.

The scary background music, if it could be heard, made a disk-scratching sound, and changed to "You've Got a Friend In Me", since the writer couldn't afford any good romantic songs for this fanfiction.

Itachi stared, his arms stretched wide to keep the doors open. Iruka stared with his fry hanging halfway out of his mouth.

To Iruka, the pink nails Itachi wore were fabulous, and the pink on his hands added to the touch. Not to mention the fact his face looked as if he tried applying eyeliner in the dark as well. It all looked so... _Erotic_... To Iruka.

To Itachi, however, the fry in Iruka's mouth looked very good. It looked as if it was hot off the oven, as if it was made _just then_. Itachi drooled some, I'm sure.

Iruka slowly stood from his chair, and Itachi shut the door. They walked toward each other, and embraced in a huge hug which, in any other(_normal_, for that matter) case, would have broken some bones.

"Oh, My Little Diva!"

"My Beautiful French Fry!"

And with that, Itachi carried Iruka off into the sunset.

* * *

Be Responsible. **Don't Flame and Drive**! _Rawr_.


	2. Chapter Two

Ah, new chapter...

If you like this pairing, too bad. I don't. We have different opinions. Agree to disagree, and move on.

If you like Sakura, you may not like the way she's portrayed here. But, this IS a parody, and I _don't_ like her. Sorry...

I DO NOT own Naruto.

* * *

**Chapter Two:**_  
Not the voices!_

Sakura stopped at a door. It was a big door. So big, the handle couldn't even be reached. It was also a dark door. And wooden. A big, dark, wooden door. Around her, was a small round room. How _it _could be small, when the door was that huge, I don't really know, jut play along as if it actually made sense. Sakura walked to door slowly, to enter through them.

_Bam!_

"..The hell?" Sakura mumbled, on the ground. A bruise was starting to form on her forehead. "YOU STUPID DOORS, OPEN UP!" She screamed at the wooden doors. And, being wooden doors, of course they didn't do anything.

Sakura growled and stood back up finally. She walked to the door, and began banging on them. "DAMN YOU, OPEN UP! I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY HERE!"

When the doors still didn't reply, she began to hear a voice. Naruto's, to be exact. Why it was Naruto of all people, would not be found out in this chapter. '_Hehehe, have you tried... OPEN SESAME?!_'

Sakura's brow twitched, and she shouted, "I'M NOT SAYING OPEN SESAME!"

'_Uh, you just did Sakura,_' Voice-Naruto replied.

"S-Stop being the sensible one here!" The pink-haired girl growled back.

If he could, Voice-Naruto would have blinked. But, you know, obviously he didn't, since it was just a voice. Sakura twitched, but before she could respond, Voice-Naruo said, '_Look!_'

Sakura looked over and twitched, "Well you could've told me the doors were open sooner!" With that said, she walked through the doors. A man was standing there. "Hello?" She asked into the darkness.

"...Yo," Madara Uchiha mumbled from the back.

Sakura spun around, and stumbled a bit from dizziness. Trying to concentrate on who it was, while getting her balance back, she gasped. "ITACHI!"

Madara twitched. "No, you idiot. Madara."

Sakura blinked. "...Sasuke?"

"...I already told you!"

"Neji?"

Madara sighed; Was this going to go on forever? "No. My name is-"

"No, no, don't tell me! I'll figure it out! I _am_ the smartest kunoichi in Konoha!" Sakura exclaimed, puffing out her chest. What _that_ was supposed to prove, I don't even think she knew.

Madara was silent then, waiting for her to continue guessing. "...OH! I know! I know, I know, I know, I kn-"

"JUST SAY IT ALREADY!" Madara screamed at her.

"....You're Hashirama's ghost!"

Madara twitched. "I've already told you... My name is Madara Uchiha."

Sakura blinked, "Oh. Well now you ruined it!"

Suddenly, Sakura opened her eyes. _Yes, they were closed._ She sat up from her bed and looked around. "Weird dream..," She mumbled to herself as she stood and headed to the bathroom to primp.

Madara jumped up from his bed, looking around quickly. Panting slightly, he grasped his kunai, just _waiting_ to hear that annoyingly wretched voice again.

**. . .**

Sakura wondered around the forest. Don't ask why she was, or how she got there. She just was. And she was lost too. She was wondering lost in the forest. She pushed away branches, tripped over roots, and jumped over bushes as she walked. And walked. And walked some more.

After a few hours, she walked around a tree, and saw a flash of white and black. It stopped at the end of the field, and there stood a tall, broad man with long black hair. Sakura's green eyes turned white. She didn't know _who_ he was, she just thought that he was hott.

He suddenly stopped training, his sword in mid-slash. How it could be in mid-slash, when there was nothing it was slashing at. But anyways, he turned his head and his eyes widened when he saw the familiar forehead. "You...!"

Sakura's eyes then widened. Madara Uchiha?! He was _much_ hotter than he was in the dream. Which didn't really make sense, seeing as how she _didn't_ see him in her dream.

A smile attached itself to her face like a parasitic bug. Another series of the bug, called the Frown, attached itself to Madara's mouth. "M-Madara!" She exclaimed, skipping her way toward Madara, arms spread out and lips puckered in a ridiculous Olsen Twin fashion.

Just a foot away from Madara, he brought his sword down, slashing through her. As she fell to the ground, he sheathed his sword and began to walk away, happy the voice was gone.

* * *

Be Responsible. **Don't Flame and Drive**! _Rawr_.


	3. Chapter Three

Wow. Okay, um, I was _not_ expecting to continue this story but I needed to rid myself of Writer's Block. That and I had the idea for the rest of this chapter. I'm totally aware that this is completely and utterly stupid, but I had fun writing it. So, here you go (and I didn't mean for it to be this long, either.)

I don't own Naruto. And while I do own my original content, it in no way shows what I believe, like, or can do to the best of my abilities. It is all _crack_ material.

Oh, and I have nothing against Chouji. I love that guy. (And all the cheese related nonsense is a really old inside joke that no one bothering to read this is in on. xP)

* * *

**Chapter Three:  
**_Because, you know, horror movies totally give you fail-proof advice on life._

Zetsu was starving.

Well, not literally. He was just really _really_ hungry. Hungry enough to eat a hum-… Okay, maybe that's not a good expression to use, considering.

Anyhow, he was hungry and needing food. The human supply was scarce, and his secret stash of Worldly cheese had run dry. While one side of him was pissed off from the hunger, the other one was tired.

With a short, exhausted sigh, he looked around the room at his play buddies, also known as the Akatsuki. Deidara and Tobi were the only two there at the time. Maybe he could eat one of them… Then again, he spent his days trying to teach Tobi he shouldn't eat his friends. That would just be a double-standard if Zetsu ate one of them.

Zetsu found himself in a bit of a pickle. One he couldn't eat.

Deidara noticed his cannibal friend's problem and shook his feminine head. "If you're so hungry Zetsu, go find a human to eat, yeah." Why didn't he think of that? Maybe he was too hungry to think properly. The blond in the room gained a smirk and added, "Go eat someone from a village."

The green man nodded in reply. "That's a good idea."

Before Tobi could ask to tag along, Zetsu was gone. Tobi pouted from behind his mask – why I feel that important to describe when no one would be able to notice it, I don't know. "Can Tobi play with De-" Deidara sent him an intense glare and he inched away nervously. Now they were left alone.

. . .

"And _that's_ how babies are born," Konohamaru explained, sitting at the table. His eyes were closed but he smirked, smug at the fact _he_ knew that before _they_ knew that.

Chouji and Sai sat across from him, staring down at the little boy through wide eyes. A silence passed between the two. Not an awkward silence, but a shocked silence. That was how? "I still don't believe it," Chouji muttered.

Konohamaru nodded quickly, "It's true! Jiraiya told me himself!"

"And women… EXPECT us to do that with them?" Sai asked. He was shocked, intrigued and disgusted all at the same time. He had never heard of such a thing before! Seeing Konohamaru nod at his question, he looked down in deep thought. He had to re-think this whole social interaction thing and if it was really worth it or not.

Chouji dug his hand into his bag of chips and let out a groan. "Aw man, it's empty!" Sai was surprised he managed to continue eating even after all the mental images he had to have gotten. Chouji crumpled up the bag and stood, throwing it away. "I'll see you guys later, alright?"

The two nodded and waved as he walked off.

. . .

Chouji walking through the village with a new bag of chips in his hands. He looked skyward as he thought about everything Konohamaru had told him and Sai. He was still surprised, to say the least. Did Shikamaru know? He shook his head; Shikamaru was a genius – he most likely knew. Either way, he had to talk to Shikamaru about it. Just in case.

He turned to take a back alley toward Shikamaru's house. It was a shorter trip and a lot easier than squeezing through crowds. The sun was close to setting so he knew he couldn't be long. Shikamaru's mother wouldn't appreciate after hour visits. She was like a warden, the way she ran their home.

About halfway to Shikamaru's, Chouji saw a big black figure on the side of the back road. He froze, staring at the figure. What was it? He jumped when he saw it moving. Shadows cast from the houses to his side kept the details of the figure from being clear.

Chouji looked back on his knowledge. As a Ninja, he wanted to go closer and see what the mutant-thing was doing (or even if it _was_ a 'mutant thing'.) However, from years of watching old movies with Shikamaru, his knowledge in the film area was telling him, '_RUN YOU IDIOT! DON'T YOU KNOW THEY ALWAYS GO AFTER PEOPLE WHO GET CLOSER?'_

He had to. He couldn't just let this go! Taking in a deep breath, he began stepping forward. "E-Excuse me…?" He asked lowly, tightly holding onto his bag of chips. At least he had to keep that safe.

The figure sprang upward.

Letting out a quick scream, Chouji jumped back. Chips flew from his bag and landed all around him. He stepped back several times, until he heard the familiar sound of a chip _crunching_. Eyes widened, he froze on the spot. What was he to do in this situation? If he continued backing away, he'd kill more chips but he couldn't very well step forward!

Chouji found himself in a bit of a pickle. One he couldn't eat.

Street lights began turning on, and Chouji could finally see who the 'mutant thing' was.

However, on the other side of this crack story, Zetsu stood (or well, kneeled) in front of Chouji, looking nothing short of dead. With bags under his eyes and shaking arms and legs, he had yet to find someone to eat. Amazingly enough. He had begun to look up when the street lights shot on. It was almost as if Heaven were shining down on Chouji. _His savior_. "You…," Zetsu trailed off, crawling forward slightly, "You're so… Oh my."

Seeing the drool that began from the corner of Zetsu's lips, Chouji paled. A cannibal? And a hungry one too! Of course, just his luck. From shock and the voice in his head going, 'You should've paid more attention to the movies, dimwit!', Chouji stepped back.

A crunch sounded, and an idea was formed.

"W-Wait! Have some of these!" Chouji exclaimed, holding the bag forward.

Zetsu stopped moving forward and looked into the bag. Chips filled the bag, and a familiar scent of cheese drifted into his nose. "W…What flavor are those?" He asked, looking up at Chouji with wide eyes.

The boy paused. What if he said the wrong thing and got eaten? "Um – Cheese?" He replied in questionable tone.

Despite the possibility being low, Zetsu's eyes widened even more. "Ch-Cheese?" Seeing Chouji nod, Zetsu snatched the bag from his hands and spun away from Chouji. He bent back down and began shoving the chips into his mouth.

Feeling the presence of the boy still there, Zetsu stopped. Slowly, he inched his way back around to face Chouji, who only stared down at him in surprise. "…," Zetsu, who held a chip close to his open mouth, felt his cheeks grow hot. "…Do you… Want some too?" He asked, holding the bag a bit closer to Chouji.

"…Well – they _were_ mine," Chouji mumbled, still looking down at Zetsu in surprise. Blushing slightly, he took some chips out of the bag as well.

And a beautiful Romeo/Juliet relationship based off of dairy products was born.

* * *

Be Responsible. **Don't Flame and Drive**! _Rawr_.


End file.
